A Very Sad Story

So my plan last year was to save up some money and move to Michigan and live near my best friend. That didn't happen. I moved in with my parents for just under a year. It was an interesting experience living with them again. I made a new friend in the woman who rents the upstairs of my parents' house. I found that the main cause of my worst migraines is hormones, and that I have arthritis in my whole spine rather than just my neck.

I moved out at the beginning of this year, and live with roommates, which I had previously sworn never to do. My roommates are very nice, they're wonderful girls. Socrates seems to love it here more than he did at my parents' house. But he doesn't let my roommate pet him unless I'm in the room which I find rather funny. Little Bit liked being out of my parents' basement where it was constantly cold, and there's carpet here so she quite enjoyed that too.

I've been here for just over two and a half months. Over the last month or so Little Bit's arthritis from being 16 years old had gotten to the point where she would go from being able to sit on my lap for hours on end to maybe 20 minutes maximum. She went from asking me to pick her up, and liking to be held to crying every time I picked her up, she cried every time she would stand up from laying down. She hasn't been able to just sit for about a year now, she either had to be standing up or laying down. And laying down was a very long process for her to do.

I don't know what made me think about it, but I decided that I needed to give her a wellness check up with the vet just to see how things were going health wise with her. I had a couple of days to really watch her, and her movements, and really think about how she has been over the last month and the last year. It made me realize just how much she has been suffering. Personality wise she has been her normal wonderfully cranky self. She would purr whenever I would pet her, or she would sit in my lap. She would still try and get to the food on my plate. She would still growl and hiss at the other cats. However physically she was in a lot of pain. I had gotten her some pain relief supplements for her that seemed to help for a while, and I was making sure to give her her drops twice a day. But after a few months or so, and especially in the last month, they haven't been doing anything for her.

So the night before her wellness check, I truly thought about ending her suffering. I prayed about it, and I put my feelings aside, because I knew I wanted her to live to be 20 years old if not older. The morning of the wellness check I called the vet and let them know, that unless the vet said that she was fine and that she could live another 5 years just fine, it was time to put her down. They offered to let me do a private cremation, however I didn't have the $200.00 to do it. So they offered to give me an impression of her paw print, and let me be there with her when she was put down.

The sweet elderly ladies who I share a cubical with over heard my conversation with the vet's office and gave me hugs and said that they supported my decision, and that it probably was the right thing to do. So I called my brother's wife to have her tell him that Little Bit's time was up, and that it was time for her to move on. Then after a few hours I knew that I couldn't do it alone and asked him to come with me. He was perfectly fine with going with me, and even drove so I could hold Little Bit in the car, because I wasn't about to put her in her kennel and stress her out even more.

The vet came in to talk to us, and I told her what had been going on with Little Bit, and she looked at Little Bit who was wandering around the room, being her usual curious self. The vet told me that with as old as Little Bit was (being a few days shy of 16) and as it was arthritis and an immune deficiency that it wasn't surprising that her medication wasn't working anymore, and that it probably never would again. She agreed that with everything that I had told her, and her quality of life, that it was probably best to put her down, to end her suffering, as we have that option with our pets, unlike our family members when they can't even remember their own names.

They had me fill out paperwork and pay for everything before it all went down. I asked the front desk woman if they would just be putting Little Bit's paw in ink and putting it on paper. She told me that no, it was actually taking an impression of her paw in ceramic and it would have her name carved into it and glazed with a pretty ribbon. It was about $40.00 but it was more than worth it, as she has been my baby since I was 9. I put Little Bit up on the table, and it took her a few minutes to actually lay down, but I was petting her trying not to cry. And she just purred. She knew what was coming, and was at peace with what we were going to do.

Finally after about twenty minutes with her, Ryan went and got the vet. They came in and explained that when she died her eyes would stay open, and her bowels would release, she might twitch, and she might even make noises. They were all normal things to expect, but that didn't mean that she would be alive. They would be giving her an over dose and that she would go quickly. The vet would put it in her back leg so that I could be at her head.

Of course Miss Little Bit has never ever liked any of her legs to be touched. So she started to throw a hissy fit. After they were unable to find a vein the vet gave her a sedative  We waited several minutes in which time we gave her some treats, and I got a few final kisses from her. Finally after trying both back legs, they had to move to the front legs. Once the vet was able to get a vein, she was gone before all of the drugs were in her system. The vet confirmed it quietly before she and the vet techs left. I kept petting Little Bit's head, so her eyes wouldn't stay closed.

I'm not sure exactly how long we were there, but finally Ryan said that we should leave. If he hadn't I would probably have stayed there until the vet's office closed. I didn't want to leave her there. But I knew she was gone, so I couldn't even pick her up to remove the towel that we had brought with us.

But because of how quickly she went, I knew it was what she needed. That it was her time.

I went to PetCo. shortly after and adopted a new little kitty who's about 4 1/2 years old. She's a Siamese mix, and is a very loving and affectionate kitty. I do not regret my decision to get another cat immediately after my baby kitty was gone.

However once I was home, and alone, I began to regret putting Little Bit down. I wanted her back. I wanted to see her climb up her stairs and walk onto the bed. I wanted to feel and hear her purr, I wanted to hold her again and have her give me kisses.

I called my best friend and she let me cry it all out even though it was 1 AM her time. She then proceeded to tell me the reasons why I had put Little Bit down, then proceeded to make me laugh for the next hour or so.

I did a lot of praying and begging for forgiveness last night. I felt that I had done the wrong thing, that I had killed my own child. I asked the Lord to reassure me that I had done the right thing, that it had been time to let her go. That she was in a much happier place, and that she was no longer in pain. I begged the Lord for comfort while I mourned my beautiful kitty who was my baby.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had done the right thing. Knowing that she was happier now, and that she would be the first to greet me when it was my time to go on her side of the veil.

My heart still feels like it has been ripped from my chest, but I know that if I had let her live longer, it would have been for me. Her quality of life over the last few weeks have been horrible because of how much she had degraded over the last month or so. I just didn't want to see it until it was too late. I had the option to end her suffering even though it would cause me to suffer, and I made the decision that was best for her.

I don't think I'll ever love another cat like I love Little Bit. I have Socrates who I got when she was 13 because I freaked out thinking that she didn't have long left and I knew that her death would be extremely hard on me. I love him to pieces, and I wouldn't give him up for the world. But there was just something so special about my Little Bit, how she was so bonded to me, she would follow me when and where ever I would ask her to. She found a way to get up on the top bunk bed when I was a teenager so that she could sleep on my bed with me. She bugged my dad the entire time I was on the phone with him when I was living with my grandparents in Texas, and the moment that he hung up the phone she walked away and wouldn't have anything to do with him. She would steal waffles off of the counter, and muffins and whole loaves of bread. She stole just the cheese off of pizza and ham off of plates. She loved to chase mice, and loved to be outside. She had a tendency of being under your feet and the most inopportune moments.

She was my baby, and I will never forget her.